Love Potion Number Nine
by Oxymoronic Alliteration
Summary: When Tim tries out a new cologne he begins to attract some strange and unwanted attention. Implied slash but in a humorous Crack!Fic way
1. Chapter 1

"Thank you, sir. Come again," a rather bored looking AMC movie usher said robotically as Tim passed by, dropping his empty soda cup into the trash. Behind him audience members buzzed about _The Dark Knight_. Tim had loved the film, but as he left he couldn't help but feel a little lonely. His love life had hit a drought and he was craving a woman in the worst possible way. He had come to the Sunday matinee of the movie to feel he actually had some semblance of a life and to keep his mind off his lack of girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was met with a mass of couples _snuggling_ and _cuddling_ and _flirting_ with each other. It was enough to drive any single man insane.

Tim exited the movie theater and entered the Potomac Mills Outlet Mall, hands shoved in his pockets. He just wanted to get back to his apartment and do something to keep his mind off his social life – or lack thereof – until work tomorrow. Heck, he may even squeeze out another chapter of his next book. Wouldn't Crawshaw be pleased!

"Excuse me, sir! Would you like to try our new fragrance for men?" A very petite, very cute young girl was standing outside the Fragrance Outlet holding a small bottle of cologne. "It's guaranteed to attract the objection of your affection."

Tim smiled gamely. "Guaranteed? So I get my money back if it doesn't work?"

The young girl returned the smile. "I just sell them, sir. You'd have to ask customer service about that."

Tim shrugged. He needed some new cologne anyway. "Sure. Spray me down."

The girl grabbed a perfume stick and dabbed a bit of the liquid on to it before handing it over to Tim. "Do you like it?" she asked as he sniffed at it. It did have a nice aroma. "Here's our tester."

Tim looked at the black bottle of cologne. "Passion," he read aloud. The two 's's were facing inward to each other, forming a heart. On the outside the bottle looked feminine, but the scent was markedly masculine. "I'll take a bottle," he told the girl with a wink.

She rang him up at the counter, handing him a logo paper bag with his purchase inside. "Don't forget: just a dab. A little goes a long way," she instructed with an impish grin. "We cannot be held responsible for any unwanted attraction you get with our product."

Tim laughed. He doubted he would have any problem with _that_.

* * *

Tim sprinted off the elevator. He wasn't late yet, but he didn't want something to happen in the twenty feet from the elevator to his desk and make him officially late. With his luck that day, it was a definite possibility. He had woken up on time and pulled himself out of bed to a lukewarm shower. He was a little ahead of his usual morning schedule, completely dressed, brushed, scrubbed, and cleaned, when he spotted his new cologne. _No time like the present_, he thought, grabbing it from its place on the sink counter and pulling at the top. And nothing. He looked at it in puzzlement and pulled again. Still nothing. Getting a bit angry at the bottle, he shook it violently before giving the top one more giant yank, only to have it fly off and slip from his hands. The bottle tipped forward, splashing him with cologne from his neck down.

"Oh, sh–" He grunted. This was not good. This was not at all good. Quickly, Tim stripped off his shirt and pants, discarding them into his hamper. He didn't have time to take another shower, but a quick sniff test concluded that one wasn't necessary. The scent was stronger than he would have liked, but it wasn't unbearable. He could deal with a few jabs from Tony about it. Better that than face the wrath of Gibbs for tardiness. He set a new record in getting dressed and managed to be out the door only five minutes later than usual.

Now he was jogging to his desk, letting out a sigh of relief when he saw that Gibbs wasn't there. "Thank you," he whispered, dropping his bag on the floor.

"Good morning, McGee." Tim looked up and saw Ziva sitting at her desk.

"Hey, Ziva," he replied. "Where are Gibbs and Tony?"

"Gibbs wanted to get an early start on talking to Petty Officer Wilson's family so he and Tony went off as soon as they got here. They won't be back until later. _Much_ later," she added. Tim noticed that she was staring at him intently, her tongue running slightly across her top lip. "We will have the entire place to ourselves, Timothy."

Tim furrowed his eyebrows, confused by both Ziva's words and her actions. "Um…except for the other people working here," he stated, nodding to the agents walking around the building.

Ziva, unfazed by Tim's comment, stood and strode slowly to his desk. He couldn't help but notice as she undid the top three buttons of her top. The neckline dipped down lower than it normally did, giving him a glance of cleavage. It was further exacerbated as she leaned her torso against the top of his desk, her arms folded below her chest. "Then perhaps we will need to find an area that is more…secluded?" she asked, unsure if that was the correct word. "I do believe that is the word, secluded. Alone. Isolated. Yes?" Her hair was falling from the clip holding it back and a large chunk fell over her right eye, giving her the look of a sultry sex kitten. "It would be best to be in a place where we will not be disturbed. So we can better do our work, of course," she added with a smirk when she saw Tim's perturbed stare. Her tone told him that work was the last thing on her mind.

Tim pushed his chair back until it hit the wall behind him. "I…I–uh–," he stuttered. "Ziva, I think we would be more productive here…in the open…where people are watching."

The Mossad officer leaned in closer, dropping her voice down to a hushed tone. "So you like to reproduce when people are watching, do you McGee?" The tip of her tongue stuck out between her teeth, teasing him.

"No, Ziva, producing and _re_producing are two different things. Producing could refer to the creation of anything, tangible or otherwise, while reproducing is usually reserved to refer to…" he trailed off, not wanting to even mention the word "sex" or any synonym of it while Ziva was in this mood.

"Refer to what, McGee?" She walked to the other side of his desk, leaning down so that their faces were inches apart. He was trapped.

Tim jumped up. "Ziva, I have to go check some other things…some, uh, private things. You just…um…just stay here. And don't move." He sprinted from the bullpen without giving the woman another glance. His first thought was the men's bathroom, but he knew Ziva had no problem following him, or anyone else, in there. Instead, he ran into the opening elevator and jabbed the "Close Doors" button, frantically hoping that the horny assassin wouldn't manage to slip on. When the doors finally closed and the elevator – Ziva-less – began moving, Tim allowed himself to fall back against the wall and exhale a sigh of relief.

What was going one? Ziva had never shown him any sign of attraction before. If anything Tim was certain Ziva was interested in…

"Tony!" Tim was fuming. This had to be one of Tony's practical jokes. What other explanation could there be? His nostrils flared his breathing increasing as he thought about what he was going to do when he saw Tony.

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open and Tim rushed off without even looking up. His shoulder rammed into another body and he heard a soft "Oof!" as he and the other person fell to the floor.

"Sorry!" Tim and Jimmy said in unison. Tim stood and held his hand out to the ME assistant. Jimmy took it gratefully and pulled himself up, stumbling slightly and falling against Tim. He quickly righted himself, stepping back to give both Tim and himself some space. "Oops!" he muttered, his cheeks blazing.

"It's okay, Palmer. I wasn't really paying attention."

"No problem, McGee," Jimmy sputtered, his cheeks still red. Though this was hardly the first time Tim had seen Jimmy so abashed, he noticed there was something different. The way his eyes flittered back and forth between Tim and the floor was demure and almost feminine. "Are you here to see Dr. Mallard?"

Tim suddenly realized he had ridden the elevator down to autopsy without even thinking. "Actually, I was just trying to get out of the bullpen," he explained. He stepped back into the elevator and held his hand over the door for Jimmy to step on as well. His efforts were rewarded with a shy smile. "Where are you headed?" he asked, fingers poised near the buttons.

"Oh, I can get it, McGee." Jimmy leaned over and pushed a button. As he did, he allowed his body, specifically his hips, to brush up against Tim's side. "What's so scary upstairs that you felt the need to flee down here?"

Tim took a step back, feeling his personal space being invaded in an unwanted way. "Ziva is just acting strange. I think Tony got her to come on to me as some sort of sick prank."

Once again Jimmy's cheeks grew red. "She…she was flirting with you?"

Tim cocked his head. Was it just his imagination or did Jimmy sound a bit miffed by the thought of Ziva flirting with him? "It was less flirting and more, um…enticing. But I'm not interested in her in that way," he quickly added, hoping that Jimmy didn't think Tim was inviting the attention. "I mean she's attractive…but if you're interested in her you don't have to worry about me…"

"Interested in her?" Jimmy looked as though it were the most preposterous idea he'd ever heard. "I'm _not_ interested in Ziva." As he said this Jimmy inched himself slightly closer to Tim. "I'm looking for someone a bit more…" he paused, placing his hand against the elevator wall on the other side of time, effectively trapping him, "a bit more intellectual."

"…Jimmy, what–"

"Do you like animal prints, McGee?" Tim was too stunned to comprehend the question, let alone actually answer it. "Because I'm just crazy for animal prints. You know, like some nice leopard print boxers."

Just as Jimmy's finger ran across the waist of Tim's pants the doors reopened. Tim ducked under Jimmy's arm and high-tailed it to the nearest stairwell. He shoved the door closed behind him, pressing his body against it to keep anyone from entering behind him.

What in the world was going on?

**AN:** This story was inspired by a conversation had with Smackalicious about how Tim could pretty much be paired with anyone. Probably will end up being about four chapters. Reviews are always appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Tim crept down the stairs to Abby's lab. He tried to take soft, stealthy steps to ensure neither Ziva nor Jimmy would hear him. He slowly opened the door and peeked out. Not a soul in sight. The only sound he heard was the ear-splitting music of Plastic Death coming from the lab. Like a rabbit, he sprung from the stairwell and sprinted through the open door into the lab.

"Abby?" He called out cautiously.

"I'll be there in a second, McGee!" she called. There was no seductive tone in her voice and no signs of flirtation. McGee sighed in relief and settled down in a chair.

The doors slid open and Abby entered donning her usual white lab coat. Under it was a black tank top reading "Just Your Everday Sex Symbol" and a red plaid skirt that settled at her thighs. "What's up, McGee?"

Tim's elbows were resting on the table in front of him, his forehead cradled in his hand. "I don't know, Abbs…something strange is going on." He looked up at her, his eyes pleading. "Abby, you've got to tell me honestly…is Tony setting up some kind of prank on me?"

Abby perched herself atop the corner of the table and smoothly slid the lab coat off. "Tony? I don't think so. If he is he'll have to answer to me," she said, her eyes flashing in anger. "Nobody – and I mean _nobody_ – messes with_ my_ geek!" She looked him up and down with a possessive glint. Her tongue ran across her top lip much like Ziva's had only minutes earlier.

Tim slowly began to stand. He made no sudden movements for fear that the Goth scientist would spring upon him like a tiger. "Uh…thanks, Abby. I guess I'm going to…uh…go now." He was slowly backing away to the door.

"Oh, Timmy!" Abby cried. "You just got here! Don't go yet," she purred, grabbing his hand and gently pulling him in closer. "You know how lonely I get down here sometimes. Hell, I even talk to my equipment to pass the time. You can't tell me that's normal."

Tim tried to pull his hand away from her grasp, forgetting how strong she could be. "Abby, when have you ever been concerned with being normal?" He pulled away only to have Abby's arms encompass his waist. "Abby…I have to get to work."

"You're needed down here, Timmy." She dragged him back toward her computer. "I need you to fix my computer."

Tim was too much a gentleman to simply knock Abby away from him. Playful smacking was one thing; actually doing physical harm to her – and he knew that's what it would take to get her off of him – was quite another. Instead, he allowed her to push him down in the chair. "What's wrong with it?"

Abby tilted her head to the side, twirling her pigtail with her finger. "Well…um…"

"…Abby, you don't really need me to fix your computer, do you?"

"Not exactly," she admitted, "but you know I can always use your help!"

Tim once again stood, this time determined to make it out the door. "Abby, I can't sit down here and play games with you!"

"I'll show you my new tat!"

Tim rolled his eyes. "Where is this one? Your wrist?"

She smirked at him. "Oh, no, Timmy. This one is in a much more sensitive place!" Her hand ran down her side to the bottom of her skirt and tugged at the hem playfully. "Would you like to see?"

Tim gulped, his heart rate increasing. "I – I gotta go!" he shouted as he sprinted out and back into the safety of the stairwell. He knew he wasn't in the best of shape for running up stairs, but he was confident that Abby's platform boots would slow her down and allow him to lose her.

He yanked the door open not even checking to see who was on the other side. His lungs were crying for air and his heart felt as though it was about to burst. His chest hurt and his mouth felt like cotton as he wheezed.

"Probie!"

Tim looked up to see Tony standing before him, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest. "Where's the fire?"

Tim was panting, but there was no denying the anger in his eyes. "You…you did….something," he got out as he gasped for breath. "I don't…know wha – what you're trying to do here…but it's not going to work."

Tony looked at him incredulously. "I swear I don't know what you're talking about, McGeek." Tim was still panting, his hands resting on his bent knees. "Come on, don't give yourself a heart attack!" He grabbed Tim's shoulders and pulled him upright. "Let's get this jacket off of you."

"Tony, what are you up to?"

"I'm helping you, Probster. Can't a guy help a friend?" Tony discarded the jacket to the side and walked to the front of Tim. "You need to cool down your body," he claimed. He began unbuttoning Tim's shirt.

"Tony, I'm fine," he said, slapping the man's hand away. "I know you're behind this!"

"Behind what, McParanoid?"

"Behind Ziva and Jimmy and Abby acting so strange and coming on to me and…and everything!"

"Whoa, whoa! Back it up, there. Who is coming on to you?"

"So far everyone I've come in contact with. Now tell them to stop!"

"McGee, if I could stop them I would!" Tony said. "You really think I want to see them fawning over my Probie?"

"Y – _your Probie_?" Tim sputtered. "DiNozzo, I swear if this is a prank I will smack you."

Tony smiled mischievously. "Is that a promise, McStud?" he asked, his eyebrows wiggling suggestively. Tim just stood there, his mind spinning. "Now, let's get you out of that shirt."

"No! No! No! No!" Tim shouted as he sprinted up the stairs toward Director Shepherd's office. All the while he kept thinking in his head _This is not happening…this is not happening…this is not happening…_Tim burst in and ran past Cynthia's desk, ignoring her order not to go in before she could alert Director Shepherd.

"Agent McGee," Jenny said in surprise when Tim ran in. "I would appreciate it if you would not simply burst in unannounced," she told him in a slightly scolding tone. There was a small pause as she looked at him and she gave him a small smile, adding, "I'll let you slide…this time…"

"I'm sorry, Director Shepherd," Tim said, his eyes wide with fear, "I just seem to be having a problem with some of my co-workers."

Jenny looked at him curiously. "Has Agent DiNozzo been heckling you again? If so, Agent McGee, I can assure you–"

"It's not Tony…well, not _just_ him." Tim slumped into a chair. "It's Ziva…and Jimmy…and Abby…and Tony…" he explained, ticking each one off on a finger as he named them. "They…I mean, I don't want to seem like a tattletale, Director…but I think they're sexually harassing me."

"Oh?" Jenny stood and strode toward the young agent. "And what exactly is this 'sexual harassment'?" She stopped in front of him, looking down at him like a cat looking down at a mouse. "Would _this_," she ran a knuckle down his cheek, "be sexual harassment?" She gently perched herself on his lap. "Or would _this_ be sexual harassment?"

Tim tenderly placed his hands on her hips and lifted her from his knee. "Maybe I should go," he mumbled, trying not to meet her eyes.

Jenny stepped around him, blocking him from going any further. "But, Agent McGee, how can I help you with this problem if you don't explain it to me in great detail?" Her hand ran down his chest, lower and lower…"Would _this_ be sexual harassment?" she asked once again, this time in a soft, almost sweet, voice.

Tim emitted a soft groan and tried not to notice Jenny's smile of satisfaction. "I've gotta go!" he moaned, this time pushing her away more harshly than he would have liked.

_The lab isn't safe…the bullpen isn't safe…the director's office isn't safe…_

Where could he go?


	3. Chapter 3

Tim heard the elevators ding open nearby. He peeked around the corner and saw a woman and two men get off, leaving the elevator empty. Safe. He ran inside and fell back against the wall. He was breathing heavily, his mind still trying to wrap around the day's events. Ziva's proposal of sex. Jimmy's interest in his boxers. Abby's invitation to see her new, private tattoo. Tony's attempt to undress him. Director Shepherd's groping. It was like a bad sex dream that wouldn't end.

The elevator doors began to close. With only a few inches of space between them, a hand flew in and the doors reopened. Gibbs stopped short when he saw the trembling agent pressed against the wall of the elevator. His eyebrows shot up as he stepped on. "McGee?"

Tim wished he could disappear through the wall. "Y-yeah, boss?"

The doors closed. "What are you doing?"

"Hiding."

"From…?"

"…Everyone." Tim slid to the floor of the elevator, his knees up to his chest. He rested is forehead against his legs and tried to breath. "There is something strange going on, boss." Tim barely noticed when the elevator dimmed came to a halt. "I thought it was a prank…but I'm beginning to think it's more than that."

"A prank?" Gibbs squatted down so he was level with the young agent. "What prank?"

"Well…I mean, I came in to work and Ziva was flirting with me. But then when I ran into Palmer he started talking about…about animal print boxers…then Abby was acting weird–even for her–and Tony…I think he was trying to undress me…or something," Tim sputtered out.

Gibbs' eyes narrowed. "Did you take this up with Jenny?"

Tim nodded. "That was the worst! I told her I was being sexually harassed, but she was asking what kind of sexual harassment and was giving me examples, asking if that's what I meant…and I…I just don't get it?" He was shaking his head, muttering to himself.

"Maybe they're just attracted to you?" Gibbs suggested.

"B-but _all_ of them? Why now all of a sudden? Nothing's changed! I'm still me…I'm still the geek…the probie."

"And what? Geeks and probies can't be attractive?"

Tim looked up and suddenly realized just how close Gibbs was to him. "…I'm sorry, boss…you don't care about these problems. I'll go bore…ah…I'll talk to someone else…" He stood slowly and reached over to flip the emergency stop switch.

Gibbs stopped his hand, grabbing the wrist. "I care very much about your problems, McGee," he said in a soft tone, as though hurt by Tim's assumption. "As your boss I'd like to do anything possible to make the work place as comfortable for you as I can." He stepped in closer. "So tell me, McGee….how can I do that?"

Tim was on the verge of hyperventilation. "Well…uh…you could let go of me…and start the elevator up again…"

Gibbs started the elevator, but he made no move to release Tim's wrist. "Why don't we go have a private discussion about all of this?"

Before Tim could muster up a response of any kind, the doors opened to reveal Ziva, Jimmy, Abby, Tony, and Jenny arguing with each other.

"You need to stop picking on Timmy!" Abby scolded Tony.

"I am not picking on him! You're the one who scared him off!"

"Who do you think you are," Jimmy snarled at Ziva with a confidence he'd never felt before. "You scared Tim half to death!"

"Me? You are the one who made him run down to the lab."

"As Director of NCIS, I must remind all of you that sexual harassment will _not_ be tolerated!" Jenny hollered.

"Look who's talking, Jenny!" Gibbs replied as he stepped off the elevator, Tim's wrist still in his hand. The group looked up, suddenly noticing that Tim was standing there. There was a moment of eerie silence…and then they all jumped in.

"McGee! You must be frightened! I will fight them off for you with this paperclip!"

"I have these new zebra boxers that I think you'd like, McGee!"

"Timmy! I have my handcuffs with me this time!"

"Don't worry, Probie, I'll ward these guys off!"

"Agent McGee, if you want me to get to the bottom of these sexual harassment claims I'll need a long, private meeting with you."

Their shouts were cut off by a shrill whistle from Gibbs. "Hey! Give the poor boy some air!" He turned his attention to Tim. "You doing okay?"

Tim scrambled away from them all, frantically searching for some sort of weapon. Nothing. "This is a dream…this is a dream…this is a dream…" he muttered over and over, hoping that he would wake up any moment.

"You all have freaked him out!" Abby whined.

"Says the girl who made him sleep in a coffin!" retorted Tony.

"You're the one who can't go even one day without teasing him or tormenting him," Ziva replied.

"I tease because I care!"

"Agent DiNozzo! Do not make me suspend you for inappropriate behavior!"

"_Me_? What about _them_?"

With the group distracted, Tim stole away down the stairwell, unsure of where he was going, but sure that he wanted to be anywhere but there. He could just imagine the headline: Federal Agent Torn Apart by Multiple Suitors. It reminded him of a Euripides play in which the god Bacchus places a spell on the women of a city, forcing them to tear apart a man who opposed him. Tim shuddered. It would never come to that.

_At least, I hope not._

* * *

**AN:** There should be one more chapter to go!


	4. Chapter 4

"How…what…why..."

Ducky walked through the sliding doors into autopsy and happened upon quite a strange sight. In the farthest corner he could see a body shaking back and forth. When he neared the body he saw that it was Tim McGee. The young agent was sitting in the corner, knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped around himself, and head down. He was rocking back and forth and muttering something to himself. "Timothy?" Ducky asked, unsure if something had happened before he had gotten in that day.

At the sound of the older man's voice, Tim jumped up and pressed further against the wall. "Ducky! Please, don't come any closer!"

Ducky complied, but still looked at Tim with concern. "Is everything alright?"

"Alright?" Tim could barely comprehend the word. "No…no, everything is not alright. Everything is the opposite of alright."

"Why can't I come closer?"

"Because…because you'll change…you'll…you'll act strangely." Tim looked at the doctor standing before him. Ducky's eyes shone great concern. "Ducky…are you attracted to me?"

Ducky was stunned for a moment, unsure of where the question was coming from. "Attracted?" he repeated. "I…I think that you are a very good-looking man, Timothy, but I can assure you my feelings for you are completely platonic. I…I–" Ducky was cut off by a violent sneeze. "Forgive me," he said, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket. "I seem to have caught a bug that is going around. It has my nose completely stuffed up and I can't seem to stop sneezing." He blew his nose. "The only blessing, I must say, is that I can no longer smell my mother's dogs. It is most fortunate as Tyson managed to get into some garbage this morning and likely reeks of the liver and onions we had last night."

Timothy had relaxed some. Ducky had confirmed that he was _not_ attracted to him and, so far, had shown no behavior that would contradict that claim. Maybe there was nothing wrong with him. Maybe it had all been a prank…a prank that even Director Shepard had been in on? "I'm sorry, Ducky. It's just that some strange things have been happening." Tim related the entire story to Ducky from when he had gotten in that morning to when he had escaped the violently mob of suitors. "I just can't figure out what is going on."

Ducky looked perturbed. "I must say, Timothy, that I am just as confused as you are. If it had been only Abby, Ziva, Tony, and perhaps Mr. Palmer, I could understand it being a cruel prank. But Gibbs and Jenny would never partake in any prank." He sat and contemplated the situation. "Did anything strange happen today other than this? Maybe before you came in today?"

Tim shook his head, sadly. "Not that I can remember. I woke up. I showered. I got dressed. I left." He counted off each action on a finger. "There was nothing else. Or wait…" His mind went back to that morning. Something had happened…

"The cologne!" he yelled. "That damned cologne!" Could it be? Could a scent have this great an effect on people? Maybe on Abby or even Ziva. But Tony? Gibbs? It was far to sci-fi to comprehend. The cashier's words from the day before popped into his head. _Don't forget: just a dab. A little goes a long way…We cannot be held responsible for any unwanted attraction you get with our product._ He groaned. She had warned him and he had scoffed. He could _kick_ himself. But self-deprecation would have to wait. He had to figure this out.

"What cologne would this be, Timothy?" Ducky was leaning in now, very interested.

"You can't smell anything!" That all but clinched it.

"Yes, I explained that already."

"That's why it isn't affecting you. I bought a new cologne yesterday. The cashier had said it was guaranteed to attract the object of my affections or something and then warned me to only use a dab. I thought it was a joke, just something to increase sales. I never imagined…" he trailed off, remembering how he had been chased like a wild animal by his friends and co-workers. No, that's not what he wanted to think of right now. "Anyway, this morning I ended up spilling it all over myself. I changed my clothes, but there was still a smell there. I figured it wasn't bad enough to be late for work."

"Interesting," the doctor commented.

"You believe me, don't you Ducky?"

"Of course, I do. Scents can trigger mental responses that a person may not normally have. Scents have been used to make a person relax, to make them hungry, to make them aroused, and, of course, to attract them. In fact, some animals excrete scents to attract mates."

"What should I do?"

"Well, I think the obvious solution would be to go home and take a shower until the scent is gone…or at least until it has _lessened_."

"I can't leave. There are too many people I'll have to run into and I'll never make it to my car." Tim slid down the wall to the floor. "I'm stuck here! I'm stuck here forever!"

"Not necessarily!" Ducky countered with a grin. "If we can find something that would overpower the scent of the cologne you would be safe to leave."

"What have you got?"

"Stay here," Ducky ordered. "I'll hunt down as many odors as I can and we'll have you smelling…well…different in no time!"

* * *

"Whew! Probie, what have you been rolling in?" Tony clamped a hand over his face as Tim entered the bullpen. His face and hair were smudged with dirt. His clothing was stained with a brown liquid that no one wanted to touch. He smelled like hot garbage, garlic, and BO. In spite of all of this, he was smiling.

Tim watched in glee as his co-workers covered their noses as he entered. They looked at him, but not with lust or attraction. Everything was back to normal. Well, minus the fact that he had been rubbed down with some of the most disgusting things he could imagine. Still, it had been worth it. "You guys aren't in love with me anymore?"

"In love with you? McSmelly, you need to learn a bit more about attracting members of which ever sex you're interested in before asking us to be in love with you."

Tim chose to ignore Tony's comment, simply glad that he was no longer in fear for his life. "Boss, could I go home to shower?" he requested.

Gibbs had lifted the top of his shirt over his nose by now. "Normally I'd tell you to wait until the end of the day…but God damn, McGee! We'd never be able to work with you smelling like that. Get home and don't come back until you can walk into a room without upsetting anyone's gag reflex."

"Don't say that boss!" Tony called from his desk. "Then McGee will never be able to come back!"

McGee grinned. "Never thought I'd say this, DiNozzo, but it's nice of you to say that!" Yes, things were finally back to normal.

* * *

"Sir, are you sure you don't want to exchange this for something else?" The cashier looked at the bottle of cologne that a dirt-covered man had just brought in. "If you are unsatisfied with the product we can take your complaints down for our manager."

"The woman who sold me this said it was guaranteed to attract the object of my affections."

"And it didn't work?"

"No," the man said as he slowly backed out of the shop. "It worked too well!"

* * *

**AN:** And so our story comes to an end! I hope it was enjoyable!


End file.
